Making Art for a Year, Even When I Hated It
A reflection on making art when you don’t like your art and have no inspiration for it.
I made a goal to work on my 2D art more this year. Collage art was a hobby I did a lot when I was younger. I'd decorate my school notebooks, walls, boxes, pretty much anything with a flat surface. Then it just sort of… stopped when I shifted focus to more filmmaking. In 2021, I decided to revive my old artistic pastime and made a few pieces occasionally. Then it became abandoned, or rather my inspiration and motivation to keep creating collages left me. When I looked at my art journal, and saw the last date and all the blank pages left, I wondered what would’ve this journal looked like if I hadn’t stopped making collages when I couldn’t think of an idea? What would it look like if I made it a dedicated part of my schedule to create collages?
Enter, my goal for 2023: make more collages for my 2D art portfolio. I decided that creating at least a collage every month was realistic and manageable. This goal also had a stipulation: make a collage every month no matter what, and no matter how I felt about the process or the result. Even if I was unsatisfied with my art, I was going to make more.
Starting out, I liked the nostalgia and revived memories from revisiting this art style I worked with before. The fun in looking through papers that sparked my interest, cutting out and arranging items. The problem was I hadn’t then (and still haven’t now) outgrown my belief that every saved piece of paper was extremely precious and difficult to part with in the irreversible act of cutting it out and gluing it down. Every time I glued a new photo down onto the paper, a little doubt sat with me questioning if this was the best choice for the art work. I liked certain arrangements of things and I had sections of collaged items and ideas that I thought would work when it was all finally finished.
Somehow though, that confidence lessened as the collage finally materialized and was glued down. At the end of the work, I had no proud feelings towards my creation, only lackluster or critical ones, alongside some wants and what ifs I had no answers to. I wanted the collage to be better but I just didn’t know how to make it better. There were little things that I viewed as mistakes and what I thought were contributing to the entire piece being not right. I didn’t feel as excited as I thought I would've been when I finished.
Despite this disappointment, I still showed the collages to friends and family, and posted older and new pieces on my Instagram. I still thought my collage art was okay and not as good as other people’s pieces I’d seen. Making collages and trying to find a cut out image to craft an idea from was starting to get discouraging. For certain images, I still wanted to keep them because what if I thought of a better idea than the one I just thought of? I have all these cool cut out magazine photos I’ve always been waiting for the right moment to use– that moment being some amazing idea that strikes me like creative lighting, winning out over the other ideas I had thought of prior but decided not to pursue. (I tend to not realize that paper can be scanned or copied if you really do like a photo and want to save it as a complete reference.)
Overthinking the magazine papers became time consuming and agonizing. On top of that, when I did decide on images, I wasn’t finding any real joy in the collage making process or the result. I wanted to make art, but I didn’t like the art I was making. It felt like a chore in a way. The goal, however, was to make collages throughout the year, and I knew if I was going to stop and wait until I felt I had inspiration or felt happy about this process, I’d drop this goal and also run the risk of getting nothing done for the rest of the year. I wasn’t going to wait until I was happy with my art, I was going to make art even though I didn’t like it. I relooked at my previous collages and asked myself “What I didn’t like about them?” There wasn’t an identifiable problem or skill to work on to improve. I didn’t have an answer aside from the fact I had made it and because of that, I thought it could be better than it was. But that doesn’t mean it was bad to start! Why was I being so harsh on myself?
When writing this post, I stumbled upon an excellent quote that echoes a similar point, from artist, Elicia Donze:
“People hate their own art because it looks like they made it. They think if they get better, it will stop looking like they made it. A better person made it. But there's no level of skill beyond which you stop being you. You hate the most valuable thing about your art.”
With this realization, I was improving my current mindset towards my art but still wasn’t loving my art. So, I tried to get out of my head, and move beyond the thoughts and pressures I was putting on myself, and the comparisons to other people’s work. I had a fashion photo that I had picked out months before, but couldn’t find the inspiration to use, and I just said to myself, “Let’s see what happens”. So, I glued that precious saved magazine cut out onto the page and the voice in my head went “Ahhhh! What do I do now?” Then I went and found another cut out, or ripped up some paper, or decided to add some doodles. I only worked in the present moment.
For that current collage, I decided I wanted to draw onto this heart shaped magazine cut out. I didn’t like the result from the drawing. The thought of “No, this is ruined!” came running from the back of my mind. Then I paused for a second, asking “How can I readjust this?” So, instead of panic, a new idea made its way through, “I can still use this shape, I’ll flip it over and hide the drawing’s bleed through by painting it all one color, so I can still use it”. Then I did it, and continued on, satisfied with the change. I maintained this perspective throughout this collage. I had an idea and instead of waiting, I acted on it, being open to the entire process and seeing what I could do next, even through the mistakes. Shockingly, what turned out was something I thought wasn’t too bad. I actually liked the final collage! After 8 months of making things and being apathetic to the process and result, or focusing on my perceived artistic flaws in my final collage, I finally had a piece, where when I was finished I said to myself, “This is kinda cool.” My mindset, the continued practice of making collages, this design, whatever it was- the feeling I thought I would never have, softly appeared.
My August collage I thought was cool, after months of collage work.
If I had stopped months before when I felt uninspired and unhappy, would I have had this moment then? I don’t know. I only know that I kept making art because of my goal and decision to keep going. I now have more artwork for my portfolio, artwork that other people have a chance to like and enjoy, artwork that I can appreciate (even if it’s not in the moment, but looking back at it on a second review).
Basically, you keep making things because you keep making things. You stop making art. Your art does not get made. There isn’t anything else to it. Regardless of mood, your opinion or the opinions of others, you can still make things (especially if that type of thing typically brings you joy). You don’t need inspiration, or even that joy to make things, you just have to take action. I met my goal to make at least a collage a month this year. I actually made more than that because instead of saving the idea for later, I just went for it and made something. With that momentum, you can create more inspiration. Granted, some final ideas I ended up liking more than others, but at least I tried them.
Besides adding to my artwork portfolio, all these collages have become a time capsule of the year and each month of creating them. Maybe, the journey even shows some artistic growth too. When I give the collages another look at another time, maybe I'll feel and see something new. The point is, more of my art exists. That’s the goal, and with that I have the opportunity to review it, to share it, and to appreciate it more even if I didn’t when creating it.
It’s normal to not like your own art, or to go through phases of these “I hate my art, what do I do?” feelings. Fight against perfectionism and don’t give up on your art. You’ll never know what can happen unless you decide to keep creating.